Healing process

For the past year I have been struggling with regrets, decisions and being considered to be in early middle age. Of course many of us have struggles in life and not all of us air them out, but hey this is my next outlet. There was a naive time i my life where everything was mentally planned out and it was going to work out perfectly. Oh was, I in for a reality check.

College did not workout as planned, instead I took time off to enjoy my last few years of my teens and twenties. The nineties were definitely lived, but that can be another post. Now my first college degree was completed 9 years behind scheduled followed by a second in degree in nursing. Sometimes, I regret taking so long to complete my degrees, but in doing so, I was able to commit the energy, effort and time to complete each degrees in 2.6 years with a 4 year gap in between.

Now decisions. They are a tricky one, as it can go either way. During those early twenties years, I was able to make a good living, and invested well, until I didn’t. Here’s were decisions came in. At the time they seemed good ones (as they all do), but cashing out a 401 k was not a good decision in any way. Even though, I thought at the time it was for the right cause and person. BAD BAD BAD BAD AWFUL decision. One that I’m still in recovery years later.

Second decision has been a tough one to recover from, and it’s having a second pregnancy. I had always envisioned having 3 children, but life had different plans for me. 8 years ago, I was blessed with having healthy, smart, beautiful twin girls. They’re sassy, sweet, full of imaginations, ideas and life. Having them (naturally in case your asking) filled such a huge void in my life, and sharing the responsibility with my high-school sweetheart and first love have meant that much more.

Yet life, mental indecisiveness and now entering early middle age has weakened a small stitch in my soul. This break has caused many more cracks within. One that a year later has not been able to find mending. I have managed to find myself at a low point and working, as a mother baby nurse has been an emotional roller coaster to bare. Although I love the path, I have chosen in my career, it has definitely made me realize my past decisions.

What does early mid age hold for me now? Well healing has been the first course of this journey. By helping my soul, heart and mind mend, I can re-appreciate all the blessing that have been bestowed to me. Although my checklist was not completely checked off, as I envisioned at age 16. All my path and road have diverged, and as Robert Frost wrote “I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.”

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